Crucial Conversations

I attended an online talk on 16th December 2020 organized by Mr Praksah Sharma, Founder Director, Bija Training under their Mask Leadership initiative. The speaker was Mr Pandian Palaniappan - GM National Sales Training Hyundai Motor India Ltd on the topic "Crucial Conversations".  Mr Pandian said the topic  for the day  was selected inspired by the book "Crucial conversations - Tools for talking when stakes are high" by Kerry Patterson and Joseph Grenny. Explaining the concept of crucial conversations he said that the following situations can be held as crucial- (1)  when dealing with opposing opinions (2) When stakes are very high and (3) When  high emotions are involved. He gave the "performance appraisal discussions" as an example of crucial conversations. 

How to handle crucial conversations: The first step is to recognize the conversation as a crucial conversation. It is seen that when emotions enter into the conversation, the logical brain doesn't work. It either tends to turn silent (not saying what you want) or engages in an emotional outburst which also results in not getting what you wanted to achieve through the conversation. It is important for leaders to be aware that they are  entering into a crucial conversation and be prepared for it. The speaker gave an example of Mr Muralidhar Rao who was his leader when he worked for NIS Sparta. If during a discussion, he realized that he had lost his cool , Mr Rao would announce " When I count from 1 to 10  I want everyone of you  in the room to disappear. We can come back and discuss this later". 

Just as it is important for the leader to be aware about himself/herself, he/she should also be empathetic and be  aware of the emotional state of team members. One can look out for tell tale signs such as a team  member 'gulping down glasses of water'- could it be due to  emotional  stress? The leader can create a safe environment in which  team members can share issues if they feel like it. 

Mr Pandian said that the principles involving crucial conversations would apply equally  to the interactions at home. Perceptions of individuals differ. A husband who is coming home after a hard day's work, looks forward to relaxing at home . When his wife who was watching a serial on TV goes to the kitchen to prepare tea, he changes the channel to watch his favourite cricket telecast. The wife is annoyed on returning . She feels that after being tied down to the house and working all day long,  she is denied the  only source of relief and entertainment, the moment her husband  arrives. The conflict can take the form of heightened emotional levels. 

In such a situation, it would be advisable to probe deeper as to what the real problem is. Is it just changing of TV channels or are there deeper issues? Are you inadvertently bringing home 5 S concepts from work and insisting that every room be spic and span all the time? Or is it about your always coming  back from work with a frown on your face? The issues are to be separated and addressed individually instead of seeing it as a big package of discontent. Instead of thinking I am OK, the other person is not OK ask the question “why is this person behaving the way she/he is?"  When you go by the belief that all human beings are basically good and humanize them , things begin to look a lot less problematic.

 In this connection the speaker shared his experience of frequently finding a two wheeler parked at this car parking place in the apartment. As he left early in the morning and returned late in the evening, he was not able to meet the 'culprit' who was doing it. Each time the scooter had to be removed before he could park his car and he internally cursed the guy who was causing so much of annoyance. However, one day he decided to follow the maxim of "humanizing" him and not think of the guy as stupid or a villain. He left a written note on the scooter explaining that it was his parking place and that the wrong parking was causing him a lot of bother.  The speaker was surprised to get a reply note apologizing for the misdeed, explaining that he had thought it was a vacant parking place and assuring that it would not happen again. 

When you humanize other people, you are able to respond in a kinder manner. In the absence of empathy, things can sometimes times go terribly wrong.  I was reminded of the incident involving the cricketer Navjot singh Siddhu in December 1988, wherein he had  hit a 65 year old man after a heated argument over wrong parking resulting in the death of the senior citizen. Having a human story in place of a villain story makes all the difference. In crucial conversations, we would do well to revisit the facts rather than the emotions of the story before engaging in a conversation.  

In webinars, at times conversations can ramble on aimlessly with the speaker talking  a little of this and a little of that of whatever comes to mind at the spur of the moment. However, the conversation of the evening was one of undiluted clarity as the speaker Mr Pandian was clear right from the beginning as to what he wanted to include in the discussion. It was laced with relevant examples to make it very engaging and interesting for the participants- truly a very rewarding experience!